A week before the flight.
Thought I was stable, balanced, bonding with the freedom within me...
Was I that wrong?
yesterday night I sent Elad a message, asking to meet him before I fly. I don't know why, don't know why suddenly my heart wants to give him everything, to lose myself for love, as I haven't done for so long... and suddenly I open sexually, thinking of him, after months of numbness..
he didn't answer.only wrote me "no thanks"
and then "i'm with someone else now".
And I cried and cried and cried and wanted to kill and strangle and bury, everything, myself, him, her, whoever, whoever is responsible for this.. but inside I want him to be happy and I love him so much, unbelievably much... this is why it hurts, that I woke up for this overwhelming love when it was too late...
On my lowest moment I broke into his e-mail, looked for evidence to finally kill my soul and leave nothing whole out of me, and eventually it was.. well.. maybe a good thing, because he got mad and wrote me asking if i did that and how could i, and i said 'leave me alone.i am crying my soul out now.. i am so weak now...if you don't care for me anymore just leave me alone' and to that he wrote 'you made your choices. now live with them'
and i wanted to die...
how my shelter is gone... there is nothing to lean on, his eyes' gates are closed to me...
and I wrote him drop dead. because his words were so cold and cruel. then went offline.
he called... it was so good to hear him. i think i am losing my mind. how i missed to say those three words 'אני אוהבת אותך', which i have never told anyone but him, and i said it again and again and it was like a mantra... shining in my heart and healing it.. and i said how he is beautiful and how i am thinking of him always... my dear angel... but he said we won't meet and that it's not right to do so now...
and i wonder... will we ever be together again... i want another chance to embrace him, to love him, to correct the wrongs i have done...
he said it is selfish of me to ask for that when i'm about to leave for 2 months..
dear god, how can i know what is right to do? i tend to be so obssessive sometimes and i am afraid i will make him my obssession, not let go, keep dreaming he will be in my arms, even though i hurt him so deeply that he chose to forget all feelings..
and i think in a way with gadi it cannot be because he never says he loves me... and with every day he didn't say that, i grew apart..
words.. they are so important.. they have magical powers..
they really do...
Am I really on my own now?
and why does it bother me so much now?
I keep wishing he will knock at my door in the middle of the night... but he won't.. not anymore... he doesn't need me anymore... and now he's growing, writing scripts, making movies, making friends with the world, winning the ladies' hearts everywhere, i knew he would feel much better when i'm gone...
such storms inside... and i thought i was balanced... mystupidity.. i guess it is incurable...but my wish to love.. it is truly pure... like a little animal under a car... hiding from the cold... waiting to see the one who will make my tail happy, who will make me run and not care for the rain...
I never learn...
I always fall in the trap of childish dreams...
I just refuse to grow up....
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exhausted
intimidated